Spock is a hipster

As I begin to humbly attempt this post, please let it be known that I am not a Star Trek geek, or really an affecionado, despite the attempts of a few of my friends. This being said, any superfans that wish to flame this post due to inaccuracies that only occur to those in the Trekkie subculture, consider me apathetic to your whines and indulge yourself in a nice, cold Zima. If one is not available, use Smirnoff Ice instead.

Spock is a Hipster

As the end of the summer grows near, the amount of webjunk I have ingested reaches the level of the amount of hotdogs consumed in a Nathans eating contest on the fourth of July. For the ignorant, that's alot. One bright spot was the new tumblr site Spock is not impressed. In the midst of laughing at these collages, I noticed that the despondent glare emanating from Leonard Nimoy's face resembles a scowling hipster, or someone that has been constipated for about a month. (They look the same to me and that is what you get for wearing your sister's jeans) This leads to the main question: Is Spock a hipster? Let us have a look at the evidence....

The first thing that we take from Spock is that he is an outsider, the only "alien" in a crew mostly populated with humans. Apparently Spock was never the new kid in school, otherwise he would have known that the clear way to gain a sense of normalcy and quickly adapt to new and unfamiliar surroundings would be to blend in. Instead of prancing around making everyone look at your pointed ears, put on some freaking earmuffs. That would actually fit in your goddamned hipster chic. Hipsters have an unquenchable yearning to be considered as different and distanced from the mainstream of popular culture. Hence, why they only listen to "Indie" rock, yet through the hipster movement, indie has become itself mainstream. How do you like dem apples Mr. Hipster? So the portrayal of someone who can easily assimilate into a group environment, yet frequently refuses to fits into the mold of the "subculture member" of the group. Or just call them the stupid hipster.

The second point of evidence is that Spock comes from the wealthiest family of anyone on the Enterprise, though he took this job for personal fulfillment. This required a bit of research, i.e. watching the new Star Trek film for a second time, but I found out that Spock's dad is an ambassador. I dunno how it is on Good Ol' Planet Vulcan, but ambassadors are some rich ass motherfuckers on Earth. Typically, the role of the ambassador is filled by someone with the monetary means for political ambition, but without the years of service or experience. Think to yourself of Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson rollicking round in those bordellos in Pre-Revolutionary France. Needless to say, the kids that ambassadors have don't go to public schools much less have a hard life growing up. I know some of you are going to say that in the reboot he lost his parents, saaaad panda. So did Bruce Wayne, but that guy still knows how to throw a party and not be a complete whiny bitch. (Also I imagine that the financial records of Vulcan were still left intact through some sort of galactic banking law, so he still has a shit ton of money.) So here is Spock, a loaded guy, slumming it around in a menial job because he'd rather live a more impoverished existence than he's used to, though through his family's means he return to a wealthy status at any moment. This is typical of most hipsters, who pretend to have no money, are merely waiting for their trust funds to become active so they can live a more lavish lifestyle. How do you explain they love buying $30 t-shirts at American Apparel? No normal person buys a thirty buck t-shirt, hell most "name-brand" t-shirts are only $20 anyways. No he's the type of person that drinks PBR because he thinks drinking cheap beer makes him look cool. No, it makes you look like a douche and pee like your bladder is a sieve. The only time cheap beer is acceptable is when you are shotgunning beers or doing a case race. And does Spock look like the type of person that would do that? No? I didn't think so. God I wish McCoy would kick him in the shins.

Finally, there is the most telling sign of Spock's hipsterishness, his complete disdain for everything human. Here we can identify that the people are "subculture" of the Star Trek universe because it seems that everything related to starfleet is built with Human culture and considerations in mind. Hell, the fucking thing is headquartered on Earth. Take that you piece of shit Vulcans. So again, instead of being an accommodating subordinate like he should be, he stands next to Kirk and constantly bitches how people are letting their emotions get involved in everything. This is exactly the same view that a hipster has on all pop culture. No matter what it is or how much someone likes it, the hipster has to respond that it is too mainstream for their liking, whether they really like it or not. The reason you don't have emotions Spock is because you are an emotionally-stunted individual. Insane people have "logic" too, it just doesn't fucking work sometimes. Hipster, the reason no one know the band you keep bantering on about is because either 1) No one cares or 2) They are so godawful no one is going to pay the stupid $5 cover to be surrounded by hipsters and listen to that shit. For all we know, this band could be you and your friend trying to tell us how your garage-band talent is avant garde. I don't care what your influences are, if you can't properly emulate your influences, you still suck.

Those are the three reason why I think Spock is a hipster. So when you see the Star Trek movie from a few years back, don't feel bad, for all we know Vulcan was a hipster planet, and the only thing worse than a hipster is a group of hipsters. Needless to say a group of billions of hipsters would be something out of an apocalyptic vision, with the world drowning in vinyl. If you truly want to be different and not part of the mainstream, be different, don't join a group of people trying to be different, there's a new one every decade.

Sic Semper Tyrannosaurus.